Searching for balance I can live with.

                                                                                                                                         30th/10/25

I have a problem with finding a balance in my life. I found 3 jobs, casual part time, one I decided to value myself and let them know I was not going to be continue with their induction even though I had accepted the job. They asked for feedback, and I said the truth which comes a lot easier after 60 I can tell you. All of a sudden, I am able to say it how it really is, no more beating around the bush or worrying if I will hurt someone's ego. I say ego as that is where hurt feelings come from.

Anyway, this provider of support for persons with a disability had people interviewing without caring themselves about people, or their jobs and it was very apparent.  They did not have a passion for the work they did, and I find if I am around those sorts of people, I become that kind of person. I am like a sponge that absorbs what I am exposed to good or bad.

Some people would say it's being a sheep, but I never start out that way, I work hard and try to constantly improve my practice but after a while if you're the only one going the extra mile and putting in the energy I become disheartened and kind of give up, and before I know it I resemble them. I have learned to identify those traits that I am trying to avoid and I cut it off at the pass. It's the easiest way.

I think as you get older you are able to evaluate very quickly what's worth investing your time in and what's not, and you can do it unapologetically. To be honest I have used up all my sorrys, gone are the days hopefully of constantly apologising for others bad behaviour or taking responsibility for other people's feelings.

Your feelings are none of my business. and my feelings are none of yours. My responsibility is only to how I react to situations. How I react is a choice, no one can provoke me to act a curtain way, I chose what I do or say, or I might choose to say or do nothing, that's a choice to.

Any way I digress.

So now I have one permanent part time job contracted to 8 hrs a fortnight but have not been given less than 50 hrs a fortnight so far. My second job was supposed to be casual, and they offered me 30 hrs permanent part time immediately. Awesome, now at least I know at the slackest time I can afford to live and not worry. They have given me 45hrs a week so far. so now I'm working up to 95 hrs a week and here I sit doing my second 10 hr shift for the day, thinking why do I find it so impossible not to push myself so hard.

How am I going to find a balance. My problem is when I'm not working after about an hour or two, I start to feel uncomfortable, physically uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure I know where this feeling comes from, the trauma of being a very shy introverted little girl being forced to call out to strangers to have a go on the clowns or darts at the ag of 8yrs old with the threat of physical abuse, but it was not the physical that left the most scars, it was the emotional abuse and seeing the look of satisfaction on their faces as they towered over me having humiliated me Infront of large crowds of people. Day in day out for years is going to make not over working and becoming stressed and exhausted uncomfortable.

I have been conditioned to feel uncomfortable unless I am moving and working. I remember when I had my first child and I was busy, with a new baby and a house to run and my part time job on the weekends. I might decide around 5pm to stop, sit and have a coffee, but if my husband drove in at that moment that coffee was poured out and I would jump up and find something else to do, as I could not ever be found resting. A trauma response for sure, and I think this inability to work at anything less than a superhuman pace is something I am going to have to work on. or I won't be enjoying myself as much as I could be. How do I find a way to rest when I am tired without waiting to fall over.

Even at 62 yrs old I am finding things about myself that need a tweak. That's one of the best things in life, it's never boring and thankfully I am still willing to learn. Thank you, universe. 

Happy Birthday To Me.

19/10/2025

Today I turned 62yrs old. For the past couple of years, I have felt tired and old and I didn't like that feeling. I worked too hard and it was taking its toll on me.

I have been living in Australia for 2 weeks today and I am working. But I feel like I am on vacation. I go to work then go back to my vacation. I am living in what feels like a resort and I either go for a swim or read my book by the pool before or after work and I feel recharged.

I don't feel tired anymore, I feel 20 yrs younger honestly and I feel full of life and I'm inquisitive and excited for every day.

I have not felt like this for a while now but now it's all mine and I am so grateful. How blessed am I to have all my limbs and a brain that works and the courage to take giant leaps of faith because I know no matter what it will be ok.

The number of times in my life that I have made huge changes and tried to reinvent my life or myself to always come back to me. Now I can just enjoy and embrace myself for who I am.

I am a loving mother, a caring friend, a kind and considerate person and I can value who I am and what I contribute to the world, I can look at myself in the mirror and I am ok with what I see.

I can do anything with the love and support of those I love the most in the world. I am the luckiest woman in the world, and I deserve good things. 

So how did I celebrate my birthday, I went to a music festival and felt like I belonged, then went shopping, had a yummy lunch and sat buy the pool before having a swim.

And it ended with me feeling celebrated by my children and grandchildren and most importantly celebrated by me. 

I am enough and I am worthy. Thank you, universe.

Listening to and Believing in my instincts unconditionally.

8/10/25.

It's easy in any situation to ignore that little voice that we all have that says NO BETTER GO. Now that I'm alone without all the distractions of everyone else's life's, I suddenly have time to notice that internal voice more and when I act on it things work out better for me and others.

The other day I went looking for a car, I had researched loads online for months and was sure that I had found the car sales that I wanted to buy from, and it was close to where I am living.

I amazingly enough got my GPS working because let me tell you that was a mission on its own, then found the yard and they were a rag tag bunch, which was fine the main salesman looked like a homeless man but was very nice. I took a car for a test drive which he had to jumpstart as it had been sitting for months he said and it will be charged once I drive it around the block, ok understandable, so as I was driving it the big thing that stood out to me was it pulling hard to one side. I told him about it and said it needs a wheel alignment; he said the Tyres on that side are a bit flat that's why its pulling. NOW my inner voice was saying HHHMMM he went on to tell me that his brother-in-law has the same car, and he has clocked a million Ks without a problem so it's a great car. HHHMMMM 

At this point I'm the only customer there and a man pulls up to paint the building, and he starts yelling and screaming at the owner about the unreasonable time limit he has on his job. This seems to pull everyone towards him, and I have a window to think and observe. The car I had parked was in his way so they decided to move it, and it would not start so they are now pushing the car into the garage. HHHMMM then the car sales guy decides to joy ride on the painter's cherry picker and it's at this point my head goes NO WAY GET OUT OF HERE. My next thoughts were no its ok you need a car; you don't always listen to your instincts just leave. I head for my car with a little panic rising in me thinking someone will stop me with a confrontation any minute but nothing happens. 

I think it's interesting and I noted that it was fear that made me even contemplate staying to follow through on buying a car. Fear of confrontation, an unreasonable fear that did not belong in that moment but from the past. It was deep and I remember it when I was in relationships and never listened to my instincts.

So yesterday an amazing young man gave me his time to fix my phone so that I could obtain an ausi number and I had tried to do it myself, but it got me. He sorted me in 10 minutes and when I left my internal voice said he should be rewarded, he got nothing from that interaction and had helped me anyway. I had not bought anything from his store, and he was determined to save me money on buying a new phone so I could keep my existing phone. So, I bought him this very cute teddy bear head with cookies in it and went back and said I just wanted to show my appreciation for your help not everyone would do that, but you did. He clutched his chest with his beautifully decorated fingernails and was shocked and thankful.

Those internal thoughts are there for a reason, I'm going to practice mindfulness so that I can pick up on them, tune the world noise out and listen and start putting the advice I am giving myself into action. And I'm going to look into that fear I experienced when I decided to walk away from the car salesman.

I still don't have a car but as scarlet O'Hara said in gone with the wind, tomorrow is another day. lol

Caution some content may offend.

7/10/25

I have to share this interaction with you all as I was left a bit disturbed by it to be fare.

Now I was raised on the carnival showgrounds, so I have seen, heard and witnessed plenty, but this took me off guard and I did not expect it in a supermarket while deciding which garbage bags to buy.

So, I'm standing there oblivious to the world around me as I picked my bags I turned and realized there was a lady waiting patiently behind me. I apologized and said I was in my own wee world. She smiled and said that's ok I'm a patient person, not many people are these days. Then she went on to tell me that she was a bus driver on the coast. While she was talking, I was thinking how good this is I'm going to make a friend at the first trip to the supermarket, she was my age and very friendly.

But then the conversation took a turn. She began telling me about a young woman getting on her bus wearing a thong swimsuit. She told me, "I told the girl no you have got to cover up once you leave the beach you are now considered underdressed for the bus". I replied, "of course it's the old undies undies togs story". She looked at me blankly as I realized that maybe that was a kiwi add I was referring to, and it went over her head. She then went on to say "Oh it's not only that but she will get her Fanny juices on the seat and who knows where her fanny has been she could have crabs or some other std.

I think my heart stopped at fanny juices to be honest. I found myself moving away from her without being rude very quickly and making sure before I went down an isle that she was not there. She was a nice lady but, WHY, why would that be the story you tell a stranger in the supermarket.

Am I a snob, or a prude or is the Australian bluntness something I need to get used to. I have to say I did not like it.

Running my very own amazing race Australia.

6/10/25

So, the farewell at the airport was looking like it was going to be snot free. Then Bubba came off her plane from a volleyball trip and her mum told her that I had to go through my gate, and she burst into tears. I started welling up and when I lifted my head from the biggest hug in the world with Bubba I saw tears in my daughter eyes, let me tell you that does not happen often, so it got me in the feels really bad. I started to cry we said our goodbyes, and I could not stop crying so all the way through customs the tears kept raining down. There was a gentleman Infront of me who asked me if I was ok, I just nodded wanting to disappear, but he asked if I was sure I was ok and I just nodded and went yup yup. I got through it had to stop a couple of times to blow my nose, but it settled down, and I went in search for a strong cup of tea. 

Time to board and you will never guess who is standing on the plane taking a look at boarding passes, that very kind gentleman, world swallow me now. He checked again if I was ok and asked if I was traveling alone (Poor old dear) I imagined him thinking, I explained that I am not just going for a holiday, so it was a sad goodbye. He kept an eye on me during the flight and I'm sure my stoicism put his mind at ease. lol

Get to the land of sun an hour and a half late due to delays and I have an hour to get my rental and get the other end of the coast before my accommodation is unobtainable as the reception closes at 7pm and its 6pm.  I thought I will bypass waiting for the shuttle and grab a cab to the car place to save time. NO taxis only Ubers, never done this in ausi, I will work it out. My phone is on 10 percent at this point, and I will need GPS to find my accommodation. Now as my family knows at this point, I am doing everything at 1000 miles a minute as I am stressed out. I sort the uber and get to the car hire place my mind is racing I have 45 min I email the accommodation as I know I won't make it. the car guy was busy, and it took him 15 minutes to even get to me. I had taken cash to pay for my accommodation, and they said if I can pay my final payment of 1650, they will be able to book me in and they will hang around for me. so, they took the money from my account, and I had another hours reprieve.  Then My phone Dies, NO GPS.

My mind is going I pretty sure it's in Narang I don't not have the address can't stop moving to find it as then I'm standing still. I get in the car and somehow, I find the motorway north and I am elated and lost at the same time. I head for Narang, it now dark and I have never driven this road before. I make a few wrong turns and manage to get back on track. then I'm looking for a servo to get directions. I found the nicest man who googled it on his phone then gave me such good instructions that I found it without any wrong turns again. It was 7,35 and I won the race. I pay and get my room sorted then I had to make my way around the maze that is this park until I found it got lost again and just kept going till I found it,

It's amazing as a human race if we are left alone, we never just give up and stop trying we can get brick walls after brick walls, and we will keep climbing over them and when we get to the top with a little help from our fellow man and a lot of help from our determination we get there. It was a race of weather I was going to break and give up or keep running until I crossed the finish line. I was exhausted emotionally and physically as we hold stress in our body not just our mind, so I ate half an egg sandwich and a cup of tea and fell fast asleep. 

I woke to the sun shining and the crows singing and the joy of knowing I am resilient and can do anything and I'm doing it.

Here I Go......

Today is Sunday and I am going to be moving to live and work in Australia today. It must be the right decision because I have not doubted it for a moment and there has only been tiny moments of OH GOD will it all work out. Over the past few months, I have gotten all the paperwork done as I work in the health sector there are a lot of hoops to jump through, once I had an address and phone number, I could use in Australia without living there it went very smoothly. Without that I would be arriving to the unknown without a job. But I have 2 parttime jobs doing what I love, and It's made me feel very safe. 

I'm very aware of how doors close when I'm trying to do something that the universe tries to stop by closing doors and gives you a moment to think maybe this is not the best idea, and maybe I need to consider a change in direction. All the doors flung wide open for this adventure, so I am embracing it with open arms and running into the next phase of my life. I have no debt, and I have my own place in Christchurch to go to when I am old, all paid for and being cared for by family. But at nearly 62yrs I'm young. I feel young. It's only when I see myself in the mirror that I see an old lady looking back at me. I lost a lot of weight years ago, so gravity has taken its toll. But I don't live Infront of a mirror and I have to live my life based on how I feel inside.

I always wanted to be a wise old crone one day and I have probably lived a life now that would entitle me to become an apprentice crone, bottom of the ladder, lots to learn. I want to get to a place where I can accept how I look today, I feel because I was big for most of my life, I felt that my window to being beautiful was very limited. Thats the vein part of my nature, we all have it, and I own mine. I fat shamed myself more than anyone else every could and I saw beauty given to the thin, with comments like you would be so pretty if you lost weight. Thank goodness the worlds influence on the next generations ideas around beauty have changed. Now you see big people dancing with stars on the stage and dressing how they feel and being proud of who they are. I did not feel that accepted growing up, I felt like I was an embarrassment to myself and my family.

NOT anymore. I have learned to value myself and I have had to work bloody hard to change the internal dialogue that I grew up with of being fat and stupid, Today I can see when someone stands Infront of me and tells me a lie. I used to feel stupid that I believed the best of people and so when I found them out in a bold face lie in my mind, they are saying you are stupid. People only lie to your face if they think you are stupid, don't they?  so, I decided years ago that I am no longer going to accept those people in my life. I have flipped the script, it's no longer, I am not worthy it's you're not worthy. I'm not mean about it, this generation call it ghosting that's how I do it I wish you all the best and send you positive energy then poof I'm a ghost lol. I am worthy and I will stand up for myself today. Talk about going off track...

So here I am on the cusp of a giant leap of faith just the kind of thing I have always lived for.  I love change and the unknown and that's ok. I do have the odd twinge of nana guilt, but I will always be here for my grandbabies and my children no matter what and they know that. That gives me permission to live my best life, and I am grateful.

My family are taking me to the airport this afternoon, and I don't want to be getting on the plane with swollen red eyes and snot for miles, so I said our goodbyes have to be quick. I nearly had a cry just thinking about saying goodby at the airport when I woke up and even now just thinking about it, I'm welling up.  Maybe I better by some tissues before I go. lol its inevitable, I think.

A good friend of mine just told me that she is doing the same as me in NZ she is packing up her life in Christchurch and moving to a new job and whole new city to start again, to be closer to her boys that she loves dearly, She is strong and wise, and I know she has the warrior woman inside and will create as only us woman can, an amazing new life for herself. Kia kaha my friend. We are on the edge of the world, and we just need to have faith in ourselves, taking that leap and taking the best for ourselves, ensures that everything will be incredible. 

Bean and I start our adventures.